Anesthetized for repair

“Lalagpas ka na sa langit” A friend told me that one which meant I might go beyond heaven. I laugh my ass off on that idea and since I have a photographic memory /graphic mind ( hmm I think that sounds bad ūüėõ ) that joke of hers made me giggle in tears.

I was telling her that I have been going to church for the past few days now and had been observing novenas or prayers. It was actually a shocker to me as well, but me and Him had some pressing matters that need to be attended to.

It’s because I found out that I am definitely anesthetized. ¬†Since my plunder with a previous playful mate I tried to keep myself on track. It’s the best thing that I could do to my dignity and my heart. So I went out on dates, the regular standard way of course. I get to know them, enjoy a meaningful conversation, share my interest and all that jazz.

Sadly though after the third date, ¬†or even before the fourth date, I cringed, doubts climbed in and it all go down the drain. ¬†At first I thought it must be the guy, that I¬†don’t¬†hear music and my eyes¬†doesn’t¬†twinkle whenever he smiles, crap that us women make for cheesy post on love; ¬†but after a few more dates with others, I found out it’s not you but its ME.

I’m the antagonist in my own romantic drama musical comedy. I was actually looking for ways not to fall. Maybe I was just bored, looking for a friend but not a lover. ¬†Until a page from a book made me discovered ¬†that ¬†I was just ¬†scared, that in my head I am thinking ¬†it will also fail, that I’ll get hurt ¬†or worse I’ll be played and used once again.

I tried to do something about it, I swear¬†I’m¬†not the type who would use a man’s affection. In my defense I had been honest when I said I’m incapable, and yes! I’m incapable of loving another one, until I resolve a previous scar.

Its like being in the post anesthesia care unit, your wound ¬†is inflamed, your febrile, or worse there might have been a dehiscence on what you thought is a successful open heart surgery and everyone except you knows it’s a bad prognosis.

I have been anesthetized that I’m sure,, and I know¬†it’ll¬†take time for me to be ready. We might have the most wonderful time together but unfortunately I can’t seem to fall.

Sad but its the truth.

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